The Joy of Not Knowing What I’m Doing

When I started making YouTube videos, I was almost convinced that I would just crack the code. Sure, there are plenty of creative people out there, but I’ll rise above! Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, so I’ll just outwork everyone. I’ll listen to every podcast about the art of the perfect YouTube video, and keep up to date on what’s happening with the algorithm. I’ll study the thumbnails of other YouTubers to see what gives their video each tiny competitive edge over the others. I’ll put in all the extra time in the evenings, say no to plans with friends, and work like my life depends on it, because I have a dream! I want to make money on YouTube. I don’t need a mansion in LA, or a Ferrari (I mean, if they were offered to me I’m not saying I’d say no), I just wanted to make money. Any money! And I still do! Which is why this is a strange place to find myself in.

Because I did all those things, and I didn’t get anywhere close to cracking the code. The safe in YouTube headquarters that contains all my riches remains sealed. I ended up experiencing what a lot of YouTubers have talked about. Something called burnout. But I’ve come to realise that it’s not necessarily a bad thing. What one could call burnout, another could call a forced shift in perspective. Why do I feel this way? If I really truly wanted this to happen, I would simply work through the creative block, through the late nights and early mornings, posting video after video even when I’m certain their performance won’t reach my expectations.

Something else I find funny when looking back is that I would spend 40 hours on a video, from recording footage to doing voice over, green screening memes, adding every little element I could think of to make my video as watchable as possible. Then my girlfriend would post a vlog of her taking the train, and she would thankfully not rub it in my face when her video outperformed mine.

The more I write and read this back, the more I worry that I’m coming across as bitter, which is not my intention. Simply put, this is an exercise in hindsight. And in engaging in this exercise, I find that the burnout I experienced, the uncertainty I went through after a year of grinding out videos in hopes that I’d catch the wave, was all a part of setting me on the path that I am on now.

The whole time I was making videos, I was always most interested in the storytelling aspect. Some people like cinematography, some people like editing, I love telling stories. The realization that I need to prioritize story telling over anything else when I make content is what is now pushing me forward while I embark on a new project: making short form content about history and interesting events!

While it’s a completely different way of telling stories than anything I’m used to, I look forward to every step of the process.