Being 24 years old and trying to date after COVID-19 is hard. Over the last year, I went on a first date with 24 men. Out of these 24 men, I went on a second date with 18 and I got along well enough with only three of them to see them for more than a couple weeks.
These numbers may seem crazy to some people who have been out of the dating pool for a while, or even for people who are in the dating pool currently. The truth is, all of my best friends are in serious relationships and I sometimes feel some sort of pressure to be at the same stage of my life, so I rely on dating apps to get me to there.
Even though none of these dates went anywhere and I was quite tired of asking so many people how many siblings they had and what their favourite colour was (I mixed them all up too), these many dates taught me so many lessons about myself and about people around me.
I want to share a few of those lessons with you, as well as the not so gracious stories of how I came to learn those lessons so that you do not have to suffer through 24 first dates too.
#1 If you do not respect yourself enough, your dating experiences will mostly be low quality.
I met this guy that was very attractive for a coffee date. On our first date, he asked me only 2 questions about myself and talked about himself for the rest of the date. I was quite shocked when he said he had a great time and would like to do it again (I mean of course he did, who doesn’t like talking about themselves?!).
After a few dates, when we were watching a movie, the actor came on the screen in her bikinis and her perfect figure. The guy pointed at the actor and said “You could look like this if you worked out more”.
Now…I have always been the girl who was insecure about her appearance because I was never a skinny girl, more like a happy medium. And usually felt insecure in my body that my reaction would be to laugh it off to make the guy not feel awkward. But on this occasion, I looked him in the eyes and said “It’s hilarious to me that you feel comfortable to say that out loud”. This was the first time I ever stood up to a guy, and let me tell you it felt GOOD. Needless to say, I stopped seeing this man shortly, or any other man that had the audacity to comment on my body or any other insecurities. My dating experiences have been significantly better since then.
#2 If you do not like them, you don’t have to see them again
I used to feel so guilty after a horrible first date that I would always agree to go on a second date, just to give them a chance to redeem themselves (in their own eyes at least). This cost me many hours of my time and endless boring conversations.
The last time I did this was when I went on a date with a guy that was 8 years older than me, because I thought he would have fun stories to tell me AND BOY WAS I WRONG. We were there for only an hour and 50 minutes of this conversation was about his business (he was quite proud of it as you can tell). In the last 10 minutes of our date he asked me a single question about myself, which was a setup so that he could bring the conversation back to his business. And even after this date, I felt like I should go on a second date with him just so he doesn’t feel judged for liking his business so much.
But, sometimes it is important to remember that just because they paid for your coffee or dinner, doesn’t mean you should put up with a man that doesn’t know how to hold a conversation. Frankly, I never texted this guy or saw him a second time and I have absolutely no regrets about it.
#3 Your type also has a type, and sometimes it is not you
Out of those 24 people I met, I found 3 of them extremely attractive. When I got home after the first date I was all giddy.
I waited by my phone for them to text me and tell me they wanted to see me again. However, unlucky for me that I was slowly ghosted after two or three dates by all three of these men. If I am being honest, I was quite devastated, because I was secretly hoping that one of these guys would be the last first date I would have to go on. I spent days replaying these dates in my head to see if it was something I said or did.
But being let down is a part of dating, just because someone seems like your dream person, doesn’t mean they feel the same way about you and that is OKAY! Sometimes people do not think you are the right fit even though you did nothing wrong, you were just not quite it.
Just don’t give up and take this rejection to heart.
#4 No amount of extra effort will make someone like you
I have been on both sides of this, being the one who is extremely giving and being the one that is receiving so much.
One thing I realized in this dating process is that acting out of love and acting for love are very different things. One of them is wanting to do nice things for someone else because you like them and you want to see them happy. There is no ulterior motive, you simply like spoiling them. However acting for love is a little different even though it starts off with the same goal of making someone happy. Acting out of love has the ulterior motive of making this person see HOW GOOD YOU ARE TO THEM with the hopes that this will make them see you differently.
I can tell you with confidence is that no amount of dinners you pay for or nice gifts you buy them, will make them magically start liking you. They might appreciate the thoughtfulness and the effort but this will rarely end up with them in love with you just because you are nice to them. And it is quite unfair to expect that.
#5 Settling is worse than being alone
After these 24 first dates, I decided to take a little break.
I realized that being on dates that I did not quite enjoy, or talking to men that I did not quite find attractive was not helping me, it was only making me panic and despair.
I have always been one of those girls that really believed the narrative of “good looking guys aren’t very nice, and nice guys aren’t very good looking, so you gotta pick one or the other and settle for it”. My dating experience so far kind of supported this point and if I am being honest, I was quite close to doing exactly that…settling for one.
But then I heard one of my girlfriends say “it doesn’t have to be either looks or personality, there are men out there that are great people and you will find attractive”.
I love the life I created for myself, I have a nice job, great friends, a place that looks like a Barbie dream house and an adorable cat. I think it would be a shame to settle for someone that I did not find as amazing as everything else in my life. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded that being alone comes with so much peace and happiness that settling for something that is not quire it would take away from that peace and happiness. Being with someone isn’t the ultimate goal. Being happy is, single or with a special someone.
I really enjoyed my speed dating experience this year, it helped me learn more about myself and collect some fun “dating nightmare” stories that made my friends laugh. I am excited for what the future might bring.
For now, I will be using the horror stories I collected on my Instagram to entertain my friends 🙂
EXSM 3989 - Digital Storytelling Class Blog 