If someone were to come up to me and ask me to tell them anything – I would tell them this: I hope you have the wonderful opportunity of knowing and having a good friend in your lifetime.
I’ve been lucky enough to have known my friends for over a decade (almost twenty years now). When I tell people about this, they are often amazed as they recall how their friendships have soured over time due to disagreements, differences, and losing touch with one another over time as they got busier and more invested in their own individual lives.
So, this made me wonder – how did we make it so far? What made our friendships so successful? After all, we had moments in time that separated us like going to different schools, starting our careers, and even moving to a new city. Yet somehow, we kept the glue of friendship together after all this time. I write to you in hopes of sharing some insight on how to keep the friendship fire alive, and the value in that.
To know the how’s, you must first know the what.
Context:
My friend group consists of three wonderful individuals: Adrianna (A), Ellain (E), and Kathryn (K). A + E came into my life early on through elementary school. We were enrolled in the Mandarin bilingual program, and our cultural backgrounds were similar – we were the second generation‘s of our family. Though we didn’t know of all these similarities back then as careless kids, I reflect back on it and realized that those things were what helped bring us together to exist in the same space. Our parents enrolled us in that particular school because they had wanted us to speak and stay in touch with our cultural language.
I’m not sure if you are as wishy washy as me, but I think this is what they call ‘fate’. Because from then on, we stuck together like three peas in a pod even until junior high! This was also where K came into the picture. We met because we had several classes together in Junior High, and easily became friends because we were both goofy and we just understood one another. From there, I introduced K to the group and we (thankfully) all got along with one another well.
When high school came around, A went to a different one while E, K and I went to the same one. It was during this time that I admit we sort of lost touch with A – we just simply weren’t in the same space anymore which meant we saw each other less frequently. This period of time is best described by the quote below:
Phew! That might be a mouthful to read, but twenty years of friendship is hard to pack into just a single paragraph. I promise I’m almost done!
Continuing Onwards:
Fast forward, some of us decided to attend university after high school, and some of us decided to wait and figure life out. But even amidst us getting busier and life getting harder, we made a deliberate choice to at least check in on one another periodically. We chose to show up for important celebrations like birthdays, performances, graduations, and holidays! We chose to answer our friends calls when they were struggling. We chose to listen to one another. Even after some of us went on to get a degree and establish our careers and relationships with partners, this foundation of showing up and showing effort remained a staple even if we were in different cities or doing different things in our lives.
So that sort of brings us to where we are today. A group of individuals who come together as friends to celebrate one another in all aspects, who respect one another, and who share with one another both the vulnerable, hard moments and the joyous moments.
Tips on Keeping the Friendship Flame Alive:
So how did that all work for as long as it did? Well, in hindsight I think 5 key things prompted a successful long-term friendship:
The outcome? I have three individuals that know me intimately, that bring me immense joy, and that I trust and know I can count on. They’ve watched me (just as I have been fortunate enough to watch them) through all my life milestones. They’ve seen me succeed, cry, laugh, grieve, and celebrate. I wouldn’t trade what we’ve built for anything. And I hope with these tips, you can see and feel the value in continuing to forge your friendships for the long run.
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